Writing an Obituary: A Loving Guide for Tender Moments

Losing someone you love is one of the hardest experiences a person can face. In the middle of grief, shock, and logistics, someone has to write the obituary — and that task often falls to the person least prepared to do it, at the worst possible moment.

Before you write a single word, give yourself permission to feel the weight of this. You are not writing a news report. You are not filling out a form. You are holding a life in your hands — a life full of laughter, of quiet habits, of opinions about the right way to make coffee, of the particular way they said your name. That is what you are trying to capture. Take a breath. You can do this.

What Is an Obituary?

An obituary is a written notice of someone's death, combined with a brief account of their life. It serves three purposes at once:

It informs. It tells the community — neighbors, colleagues, distant relatives, old friends — that someone has died and when the service will be held.

It honors. It captures who the person was: their character, their relationships, their contributions, the things that made them irreplaceable.

It preserves. A well-written obituary becomes a permanent record. Families return to it for decades. Grandchildren read it. It becomes part of how someone is remembered.

Most obituaries run between 200 and 500 words for newspaper publication. Online memorials and digital tributes can be longer and richer — incorporating photos, audio, video, and interactive elements that a printed column never could.

How Long Should an Obituary Be?

For newspaper publication: 200–400 words. Most newspapers charge by the word or line, so be concise. Focus on the most essential facts and one or two personal details that capture who they were.

For an online memorial or funeral program: 400–800 words. You have more space here. Use it to tell more of the story — formative moments, character, relationships, humor, faith, legacy.

For a digital memorial (like a VirtObits flipbook): As long as it needs to be. A digital tribute can include a full life story, a timeline of key moments, photos from every era, and sections written by different family members. There's no word count here — only completeness.

The 9 Elements of a Well-Written Obituary

1. Full Name and Nicknames

Start with the person's full legal name, then add any nickname they were known by. People who knew them by different names — a childhood name, a professional name, a family nickname — need to recognize who you're writing about.

Example: Robert James Smith, known to everyone who loved him as "Bob," passed away peacefully on January 1, 2025.

2. Date and Place of Death

Include when and where they died. "Peacefully at home" or "surrounded by family" adds warmth and context without requiring clinical detail. You don't need to state the cause of death — that's a personal choice.

Example: He passed away on January 1, 2025, at the age of 85, at his home in Chicago, Illinois.

3. Date and Place of Birth

Where did they come from? The city or town of their birth anchors the story in place and often explains something about who they became.

Example: Bob was born on January 1, 1940, in suburban Chicago, the youngest child of John and Mary Smith.

4. Survivors

List the people they leave behind. The traditional order is: spouse, children (with spouses), grandchildren, siblings, and parents if living. For blended families, step-children, and chosen family, include whoever the person considered family.

Tip: Write this section from the heart, not a template. "He is survived by his wife of 50 years, Sara, who was the axis his whole world turned around" is more true and more memorable than "He is survived by his wife Sara."

Example of traditional format:

Bob is survived by his beloved wife of 50 years, Sara; his five children, Mike, Jimmy, Tina, Marvin, and Doll; five grandchildren, Emma, Noah, Olivia, Terrence, and Torrin; his siblings James Smith and Linda Brown; and his step-brother, Jody Mays.

5. Preceded in Death

Name the people who died before them: parents, siblings, children, spouses. This matters more than it might seem — it places the person in the full arc of their family's story.

Example: He was preceded in death by his parents, John and Mary Smith.

6. Life Story

This is the heart of the obituary. It doesn't need to be a biography of every job and achievement. It should capture who the person was — their character, their passions, the things they cared about most.

What to include:

• Where they grew up and went to school
• Their career or life's work
• What they were known for among the people who loved them
• Their faith, values, or beliefs if that was central to who they were
• A specific detail that no one else would have — the thing that makes people smile and say "yes, that was exactly him"

What to avoid:

• A dry list of jobs and dates
• Generic phrases like "touched many lives" or "will be deeply missed" without specifics
• Anything the person themselves would have found embarrassing

The best obituaries find one true, specific detail and build around it. Not "he loved his family" but "every Sunday for forty years, he made the same breakfast — eggs, toast, and coffee — and somehow it always tasted better than anything else."

Example:

Bob grew up in suburban Chicago and earned his PhD in English Literature from State University, where he would go on to teach for 32 years. Over his career he published more than 124 books, articles, and essays — but the achievement he was most proud of was knowing every one of his students by name. He was the kind of man who remembered birthdays, told stories that got better with every telling, and never left a room without making someone feel that they mattered. He was the life of every gathering, a pillar for his siblings, and a grandfather who spoiled his grandchildren with his time and his famous, witty stories.

7. Service Details

Include the practical information families need:

• Visitation/Viewing: Date, time, location
• Funeral/Memorial Service: Date, time, location, officiant if relevant
• Burial: Location, whether it's private or public
• Reception: If there is one, where and when

Example:

A funeral service will be held on April 9, 2026, at 10:55 AM at First Baptist Church, 123 E Lee St, Chicago, IL. The family will receive visitors one hour prior to the service. Burial will follow at Resthaven Memorial Park.

8. Memorial Contributions

If the family prefers donations over flowers, name a specific organization meaningful to the person who died. "In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations to..." is standard phrasing.

9. Contact Information

For newspaper obituaries, include who to contact for service details. For online memorials, link directly to the memorial page where people can leave condolences, share memories, and view photos.

Obituary Templates You Can Use Right Now

Template 1: Traditional Format

[Full Name], [age], of [city, state], passed away [date] at [location]. Born on [birth date] in [birthplace], [he/she/they] was the [son/daughter/child] of [parents' names].

[He/She/They] is survived by [list survivors]. [He/She/They] was preceded in death by [list].

[2–3 sentences about career, passions, character, and what they'll be remembered for.]

A [funeral/memorial/celebration of life] service will be held on [date] at [time] at [location]. [Burial/Interment] will follow at [cemetery name]. In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations to [organization].

Template 2: Story-First Format

[Full Name] lived [age] years and never wasted a single one of them.

Born in [city] on [date], [he/she/they] was raised [brief background]. [He/She/They] spent [career summary — not just job title but what it meant]. Outside of work, [he/she/they] was known for [specific, true personal detail].

[He/She/They] is survived by [survivors]. The family will gather to celebrate [his/her/their] life on [date] at [location].

Those who knew [first name] know exactly what is missing from the world today. Those who didn't — read these pages and understand what kind of person can be.

Template 3: Faith-Centered Format

It is with great faith and heavy hearts that the family of [Full Name] announces [his/her/their] peaceful passing on [date], at the age of [age].

[First name] was born on [date] in [location] and spent [his/her/their] life as a faithful [member of congregation/denomination]. [He/She/They] believed deeply in [values — faith, family, community] and lived those beliefs in the way [he/she/they] raised [his/her/their] children, served [his/her/their] church, and showed up for the people around [him/her/them].

[He/She/They] is welcomed into eternal rest and survived here by [survivors].

Homegoing services will be held [date and time] at [location]. Pastor/Reverend [name] officiating.

Common Obituary Mistakes (And How to Avoid Them)

Mistake 1: Writing it like a resume

A list of jobs and dates tells people what someone did. An obituary should tell people who they were. The career matters — but only in the context of the person's character and relationships.

Mistake 2: Generic phrases that say nothing

"She touched many lives." "He will be deeply missed." "She had a smile that lit up the room." These phrases appear in tens of thousands of obituaries and say nothing specific about the person you're honoring. Replace every generic phrase with a specific, true detail.

Instead of: She had a warm and generous spirit.

Write: She kept a pot of coffee on from 6am until midnight, and somehow always knew when someone needed a cup.

Mistake 3: Forgetting to say how people can respond

An obituary without service details, a memorial link, or a way to leave condolences leaves readers with nowhere to go. Always include at least one clear next step.

Mistake 4: Making it too short out of emotion

When grief is raw, it can feel impossible to write much. But the people reading this obituary — distant relatives, old coworkers, childhood friends who lost touch — are learning about this person's whole life from a few paragraphs. Give them enough to feel something.

Mistake 5: Not asking for help

You don't have to write this alone. Ask siblings, children, and close friends for one memory or one sentence that captures who the person was. The best obituaries are written by committees of love.

How to Gather Information for an Obituary

If you've been asked to write an obituary for someone you didn't know as well as others did, or if you want to make sure you get the details right, ask the following questions of family members:

Basic facts:

• Full legal name and any nicknames
• Date and place of birth
• Parents' names
• Date and place of death
• Cause of death (if the family wants to include it)

Family:

• Spouse or partner (how long were they together?)
• Children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren (names and locations)
• Siblings
• Anyone preceded in death

Life story:

• Where did they grow up?
• Where did they go to school?
• What was their career? What did they actually do every day?
• What were they most proud of?
• What did they do outside of work?
• What was their faith or belief system?
• What will people miss most about them?
• What's one specific story or detail that captures who they were?

The last question is the most important one. That specific story or detail is what transforms an obituary from a death notice into something worth reading.

Obituary Examples: Before and After

Before (generic):

John Doe, 78, of Springfield, passed away Tuesday. He is survived by his wife Jane, three children, and seven grandchildren. He worked for 35 years at Springfield Manufacturing and enjoyed fishing and woodworking. Services will be held Friday at 2pm at First Methodist Church.

After (specific and human):

John Doe, 78, spent 35 years at Springfield Manufacturing and every weekend he could find at Lake Miller with a fishing pole he'd had since 1974. He never caught anything particularly remarkable, by his own admission — but the point was never the fish. The point was the morning light and the quiet and the way a few hours on the water made everything else make sense.

John was born in Springfield on March 4, 1947, and never really wanted to live anywhere else. He retired from the plant in 2009 and promptly built a woodworking shop in the garage that his grandchildren were absolutely not allowed to touch. (They touched it constantly.) He is survived by his wife of 52 years, Jane; his children Michael, Karen, and David; and seven grandchildren who knew exactly where to find him on Saturday mornings.

Services will be held Friday, June 20th at 2:00 PM at First Methodist Church, 123 Main St, Springfield. The family invites friends to join them for a reception at the Doe home following the service.

Beyond the Obituary: Creating a Complete Memorial

A printed or published obituary is just the beginning. Today, families have tools to create lasting digital memorials that preserve not just the facts of a life, but the full texture of it — photos from every decade, video tributes, the order of service from the funeral, a QR code on the headstone that links to everything.

If you're creating a funeral program alongside the obituary, the same principles apply: be specific, be human, and don't settle for generic.

At VirtObits, we help families transform an obituary into a complete memorial experience — an interactive flipbook, a shareable memorial website, a printed keepsake, and a QR headstone plate that connects visitors at the graveside to the full story of the person buried there.

[Start your memorial →]

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I submit an obituary to a newspaper?

Most newspapers have an online obituary submission form on their website. Search "[newspaper name] obituary submission" or call their classified advertising department. Expect to pay per word or per line. Most newspapers require 48–72 hours notice before publication.

Do I have to include the cause of death?

No. Cause of death is entirely optional. Many families choose not to include it, particularly for deaths involving mental illness, suicide, or stigmatized conditions. "Passed away peacefully" or "after a brief illness" are common alternatives that share enough without requiring explanation.

Can I write an obituary for a pet?

Absolutely. Pet loss is genuine grief, and many families choose to write obituaries for beloved animals. The same principles apply: be specific, be true, and let the personality of the animal come through.

How do I write an obituary for someone who died by suicide?

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention recommends not including the method of death, avoiding language like "committed" suicide (preferred: "died by suicide"), and focusing on the person's life rather than their death. "After a long struggle with mental illness" is one way to acknowledge the cause without detail.

Who should write the obituary?

Whoever is closest to the person and feels most capable at this moment. It doesn't have to be one person. Many families divide the sections — one sibling writes the life story, another handles the service details, a grandchild contributes a memory. The more voices involved, the more complete the portrait.

What if I don't know all the dates and details?

Write what you know and ask family members for what you're missing. It's better to publish an obituary with approximate dates than to delay it while searching for precise ones. Many families discover family history details they never knew while writing an obituary — consider this part of the process.

How long does it take to write an obituary?

A basic obituary can be written in an hour. A rich, full life story with real personal detail might take a day — gathering memories, talking to family members, writing and revising. Give yourself at least 24 hours if you can. The additional time almost always produces something better.

This guide was written by the VirtObits team. VirtObits helps families create beautiful digital memorials — flipbooks, memorial websites, printed keepsakes, and QR headstone plates — so that the life of someone you love can be preserved and shared for generations.

[Create your memorial at VirtObits →]